I cannot believe I haven't posted since August!

I am short on time, and energy, and low on sleep right now so won't go into much. Just want to wish my friends and family a very Merry Christmas.... yes, we have TWELVE DAYS of Christmas, why don't we capitalize on that???????? And I hope that the New Year brings peace and joy to all.....

next post will be an update on little Miss Lily!

First impressions

I was just thinking about the image we present to others, especially for the first time. Often times it's not even an actual image, but more of a feeling. An impression. I guess that's why they're called first impressions, duh, lol. Why am I thinking about this? Mostly it stemmed from the fact that I finally have an appointment scheduled for a hair cut and color. I haven't done anything with my hair since the beginning of the year and it shows. It got me thinking about how others view me now as opposed to before I was a mom.

I wonder if now they think of me in terms of how tired and un-put-together I look? The shapeless hair streaked with grey, the bags under my eyes, the extra pounds in all the wrong places, lol. The ill fitting and out of style clothes? I never before viewed myself as "hot" but I at least felt confident...but now I am so far from confident that I don't even remember what it was like. My pre-mom days seemed to be an equal balance of good days and bad days. Days where I would have other women stop me while out and ask where I got my hair done or what color I used, or where they could find the awesome shirt I had on...and days where I hoped to run in and out of the grocery store without being seen by anyone I knew. Now it's all bad days. Hopefully, as of Saturday August 15th, I can tip the scales just a bit back in my favor. If there is a Patron Saint of hair stylists, could everyone please pray that the guy cutting my hair is on top of his game that day??????? A bad hair cut is way worse than no hair cut (as I found out this spring, lol)

And I have to give a big thanks to my new friend Becky. If it weren't for her my hair appointment would still just be another idea bouncing around in my head along with the other "got to get around to that" stuff that it cramming up my brain! But she took the reins, booked the appointments, and will get me there and back. Hopefully we will both walk out of the salon refreshed, feeling gorgeous, AND ready to get back to our kids, lol. If not, we could always just fill up her car with gas and keep on driving.......

Bathing suit woes

I bet you think this is about buying a bathing suit for ME, right? Nope. While shopping for bathing suits for grown women (unless you happen to be blessed with the body of a super model) is akin to pulling teeth without anesthesia, I have recently discovered that shopping for bathing suits for 3 year old girls is equally painful!

Last year Lily was still in diapers so we just put the cover on without an insert and she was good to go, no shirt required. But I did buy her one suit last year when I found it on a clearance rack.... of course, it didn't fit. I made the mistake of assuming that if she was wearing size 3T clothes that she would wear a 3T suit. NOT.

So, this year I went to the store armed with my debit card and a sale flyer and bought 4 suits in 2 different sizes and 4 different styles. We have tried 2 so far. Both the same size. One is "droopy" and the other makes Brazilian panties look modest, lol. I wonder what the other two will be like???????

The one purchase I am thrilled with though is one of those sun-protection t-shirt types. I thought they would be really difficult to get on and off but it is great! Also, I have discovered that buying her boys' swim trunks save a lot of headaches and hassles.

I think next time I am in the market for a suit for me (when you know where freezes over, lol) I will be checking out swim shorts for sure! No more elastic wedgies, bikini line shaving rash, and feeling of being in public in your undies for me!

Hope you are all having a great summer!

Sleep...what IS it?

I don't remember what getting a good night's sleep feels like. Seriously. Part of fibromyalgia is a sleep disorder so I have not had a refreshing sleep in many many years. Many more than I can count. And now add in 3 years of being a mom to a child with a "severe sleep disorder" and I am actually surprised I am still functioning.

But, am I really still functioning? Sure, in the most basic way at least. But so many things have suffered. Mostly my memory. It seems like with each night of poor sleep I lose another little part of my past. There are actually whole chunks of time missing now. And of course I can't remember small details to save my life. I gave up telling people that I had seen a good movie long time ago because they inevitably ask "what was it about?" and I can't tell them. I am only left with an impression...good or bad, but no detail.

I am scared that I will not remember Lily growing up. Already there is so much that remains with me only in pictures and blog posts, but is gone from my own memory. It makes me cry to think about it. I am only 32. I wish I could FEEL 32. I wish I could do the things other 32 year olds can do, moms or not. Not even for me, but for Lily. I hope she doesn't feel as cheated out of a mom as I feel she has been.

10 years together

Yesterday marked hubby's and mine 10th anniversary. When we got married, we did not plan a honeymoon. But, being young and stupid, we decided to take one with all of the wedding cash we got instead of paying down debts (but that's a whole 'nother story!). We really wanted to go to Hawaii but, on short notice, could not book a trip there (he was due to leave for Kosovo on a tour of duty 2 weeks after our wedding) so settled on Florida instead.

It was a great trip. I had never been on a plane before, had never been to a tropical beach before (but had been to the ocean on the West coast-BC- several times), we had decent hotels, travelled from one coast of Florida to the other, went to Universal Studios and Seaworld....but it wasn't Hawaii, lol.

So, in my head only, I had a Hawaiian vacation planned for our tenth anniversary. When we conceived Lily I did the easy (thankfully) math and knew that a 3 year old should be able to stay with my parents or my sis and her hubby while Jesse and I made our great escape. But I did not factor in one teensy part of the equation- L.I.F.E.

Silly me.

Who could have predicted that we would still be struggling with sleep deprivation and stress out the wazoo 3 years after the birth of our bundle of joy? Well, if anyone could have, it would have been me. I have a habit of planning for the worst and then enjoying when it doesn't happen. But this time I was completely blind sided.

So, yesterday we did not get to go out to dinner, didn't even order out. We did not buy each other gifts or have a night of wild abandon. And we certainly weren't anywhere near Hawaii! BUT, we are still together after 10 years and don't plan on that changing anytime soon. In this age of quickie divorces and multiple marriages, I am proud to say that we are sticking out the tough times, weathering the storms of life, and haven't killed each other....yet ;)

So, maybe we can plan a tropical vacation complete with lying on a beautiful beach sipping drinks with little umbrellas for our 20th (if I haven't killed him by then!)

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

I will be blogging again. I just need to figure out where to start as so much has happened since I posted last.... hubby's return home in June, Lily's 3rd birthday this month, his new job, blah blah blah.

As I type this I am awaiting hubby's return from Marble Slab with a big fat brownie and hot fudge treat...so all I can think about is chocolate, lol.

A Fork in the Road

And a spoon, and a knife...ah heck, someone dumped the whole darn cutlery drawer out in the middle of the road and now Jesse and I have to pick our way through the mess and try and determine the right path!

When Jesse first applied for a job transfer I never in a million years expected the results to be this chaotic and cause this much turmoil in our life.

And, as much as I am suffering, it is Lily who suffers the most and stands to lose the most if we make the wrong choices.

Dear Lord, please Bless our little family and help us to see Your Will clearly so we can choose to follow you with courage and determination. Grant us the Grace to get through these challenges and to see the good in all that You have provided for us.

Update

It is Saturday today, almost a full week since hubby headed back to "special firefighter school" as Lily calls it. We have had a very up and down ride since his departure. She took it harder this time because she now knows that when he leaves, it will be for a long time. Plus, she had so much FUN with him during the short visit. She is the epitome of a "daddy's girl".

Her sleep has been all over the map. Some nights where she sleeps right through, other nights with night terrors or nightmares, some nights with both, and some nights (like the last two) where she has both PLUS some random wakings where she insists it's morning....even though it is nowhere even close! And we are both battling a pretty nasty cold on top of it all. Doesn't slow her down at all, just makes her more irritable. But I feel like I've been run over by a bus.

THis past Wednesday we FINALLY saw the sleep specialist we have been waiting for since July. It wasn't much help for now as they deal with breathing related disorders (apneas etc) which I was pretty sure wasn't the case here. BUT we were taken seriously and the doc is going to refer her on to a different type of sleep doc as an "emergency consult". I pray that happens soon! 

It was so nice to go to a doctor and not hear:

what problem?

 it's all in your head. 

why do you WANT your child to be sick?

what do you expect me to do?

etc etc etc. 

So, even though we had a long wait (expected) it was worth it. And, despite Lily's sensory issues, going to the doctor is something she finds interesting. She was actually a little miffed that the intern wasn't going to look in her nose so he acquiesced, lol. Even drawing blood the last time wasn't the total nightmare I had been anticipating. The drive is a bit long for her though, she just cannot sit in a car seat for long.

I am going to save hubby's issues with his post-graduation posting for another time, but if you could remember us in your prayers that would be greatly appreciated.

Safe and Sound

Hubby is home for a visit!

His flight was supposed to get in around 9:30pm last night but was delayed until after midnight. He arrived home after 1am. But Lily actually slept until 4:30am (a miracle!) so we were able to get a little bit of sleep.

This morning when I went to get her I sat her down and told her that daddy came home on an airplane for a visit and to go check our bed. She was BEYOND thrilled to see her most favorite person in the world (yes, I AM chopped liver, lol).

We've been awake for about 4 hours now and she hasn't left his side. I just wish he was home for good instead of just a week, but we'll take what we can get! This visit is a total bonus and a blessing.

More proof that toddlers make absolutely NO SENSE

Lily will eat some intense things......

Plain yellow mustard.

Black pepper.

Salt.

Chunks of garlic.

Not to mention that she loves frozen broccoli, cauliflower, and green beans.

But try to give this girl jam, you know, smashed up fruit/berries? She makes a face like I just gave her the hottest pepper or the sourest pickle and looks at me like I'm giving her something supremely gross.

Kids!

I miss my husband :(

Just like the title says, I miss my husband.

But, I am very proud of the sacrifice he is making for our family to have a more secure future. He joined the army when he was 19, going straight into the Infantry. Well, that was great for a young man without a family but not so good for us now. It meant him constantly going to the "field" for training exercises and knowing that he would have to do "tours" in Afghanistan for as long as our military is committed to being over there. And, now that he is a daddy, he just doesn't want that kind of life anymore. And he is a great, very hands-on, dedicated father.

So, after much scrambling, much prayer, and MUCH stress, he is currently in the firefighter academy across the country training to be a military firefighter (which is technically and Air Force trade) and will not graduate until June of this year.

So, not only will he be in a job that does not require him to leave us for extended periods of time anymore, or do war /peacekeeping tours, but he will also have skills that will be applicable when he chooses to retire from the military (which he is planning to do at the 20 year mark). If he stayed in the infantry he would have next to no transferable skills and would most likely have to take a "joe-job" to supplement his pension just to make ends meet for us.

I am very proud of him, especially with him remaining strong in his faith when it would be so easy to just "go with the flow" and cave to the influence of the guys he is training with. 

I hope the time just flies by between now and June, and I hope the visits home he has planned can actually happen!

(I love you J)

"Look mommy, just like skating!": one of many potty training adventures

So, Lily is learning to use the big girl potty and doing a great job! She caught on really quickly and is very proud of herself when she goes potty like a big girl.

Today, things were going well..... then we came to a point where I figured she might have to go pee. So, in order to get her to go I play a little "mommy needs to go pee, you aren't going to go first are you???? What, why are you stealing the potty??? hey!!!!!" kind of thing. She is very stubborn and contrary so asking her if she needs to go gets met with a "no". Telling her she needs to go try gets met with a "NO!". No amount of bribery works, ever. So, if her "winning" against mommy is what works, fine, whatever. (But I have a feeling I may regret this dynamic when she is a teen.)

Anyways, back to today. This time she just didn't go. So I wasn't going to force her. I had to take Bear out for his potty break and was gone less than a minute. I come into the living room to find this scene:

Lily with wet panties.

 A HUGE puddle of pee on the floor.

 And little pee pee footprints across my living room.

She sees me and goes back to the puddle, shuffles her feet through it and says:

"look mommy, just like skating!". 

UGH. Anyone who knows me in real life knows just what an aversion I have to pee. Any pee. Anywhere. For any reason.

My first 4 blog entries EVER: Oct/Nov/Dec '07 (imported from Facebook)

#1 I'M A BLOGGER!

No, not booger, blogger.....

never done this before so we’ll see how it goes.......

#2 NUMBER TWO

So, here I am for the second time..... and while I’m tempted to talk about “number two”, lol, I will spare you all.

It has finally snowed here (but is starting to melt today) and it has me thinking ahead to Christmas, how Lily will react to playing in the snow, when are we going to teach her to skate (and by “we” I mean uncle Tony, lol), and just how fast time actually flies.....

I look forward to the time when we can put up a full sized Christmas tree (I miss it so much) but that won’t be until we can finish our basement which won’t be happening anytime soon (unless the basement finishing fairy happens to pay us a visit).....

well, Lily calls so off I go....

hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to her I go.....whistle whistle.......

#3 IS THIS THING ON?

I wonder if anyone reads this.....

not that it matter much I guess. Just me putting random thought down in print. Not that interesting, I know. But I try.

and #4 SLEEP LIKE A BABY???????

whoever coined that phrase must never have had a baby. Or, if they did, they must have had one on drugs!

Of all of the issues I educated myself on before becoming a mommy, baby/child sleep wasn’t one of them. I blame the media, lol. All of those babies/kids falling asleep in their high chairs, sleeping in their strollers in a noisy crowded mall, drifting off unaided in their cribs while staring blissfully at some silly mobile...... I never realized it could be such a HUGE problem.

Oh sure I expected a lot of disrupted sleep in the beginning since babies have to eat so often. And then they need to be changed. Then they get gas and need to be burped/comforted. Then they’re hungry again....... but, come on, 16 months???????

And that isn’t the worst part. I never imagined having a baby who could not be comforted. Who would work herself up into such a hysterical state and have nothing work to calm her down. Cuddles you say????? Only if I wish to be hit and kicked. Kisses???? That’s suicide. The mere sound of our voices is enough to drive her over the edge at times. Thankfully this happens to daddy too. I have enough mommy guilt already that I don’t need to be feeling like it’s something about ME.

Nope, this is just her little unique personality. Hopefully that’s all it is. I would hate myself if there was something medically wrong all this time and I didn’t push her doc harder to investigate........

It’s so tough when friends/other mommies don’t understand why we don’t get out much. Or why we can’t even talk on the phone after she is in bed. Sometimes the slightest noise is enough to wake her and start her screaming. Although that part is getting better. But I feel like we’re prisoners. Once she’s in bed we have to whisper and tiptoe and have heart attacks if we see anyone anywhere near our house that could potentially ring the doorbell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is with daddy right now trying to fall asleep. Lately she has been going to bed around 4pm because she refuses to nap. But today she napped. So now we’re all screwed up. I hope she falls asleep soon so we can eat a late supper......

Hansel and Gretel and....Bear?

You know the classic storybook characters who decide to go on an adventure in the forest and almost meet a nasty end? Well, remember how they left a trail of bread crumbs so that they would be able to find their way home again?

I think my dog, Bear, our giant 130lb 10 year old Bouvier, is afraid of losing his way back when he goes out to potty. His "potty rocks" are on the side of the house. Yesterday I go out in the yard to find a trail of poop nuggets leading from our patio to his rocks. This isn't the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last. He has always had trouble keeping his butt shut when urgent business calls. But, he is a senior, so I thought that maybe he may have a purpose in leaving this disgusting trail. And, as his proud human mama I would much rather think leaving poop plops is his way of being clever instead of believing that my dog is just gross.

Having a chronic illness is alot like having a kid

In both cases you deal with the hand you've been given. No amount of wishing or praying or determination can change the basic essence of either.

With children, they are born with a God given temperament. You can either work with it or against it. Your choice. Sure, the things you do can affect your child both positively and negatively, but will not change their essence.

With a chronic illness, you can find ways to manage/cope with symptoms, but the underlying disease will not just go away because of your efforts. It will not cease being a chronic illness just because you are trying really hard.

And, in both cases, you will have folks who have not walked a mile in your shoes trying to tell you what to do, what you have done wrong, and offering you all kinds of "help" (but it really is just pure judgement... there are many good people who DO try to sincerely help, not talking about them). Most of these people can only see life through one lens.... their own. They see things only in terms of "if I had to deal with X, I'd do Y" But that is mere speculation and lack of humility on their part. I should know.

Over the last couple of years I have really come a long way on my journey towards humility. I am sorry for all of the times I was sure I knew better than someone else.... I realize more and more every day that everyone has their own cross to bear and, just because it doesn't resemble mine, doesn't mean it isn't just as difficult for them to bear. OR, that just because they bear a cross that I think I could bear with ease, doesn't mean that they are weenies, wimps, or weak.

God blesses us all in different ways. God grants us the grace to deal with our difficult crosses. God offers us endless opportunities to grow in virtue. Do we see them? 

Lemons and Pirate Ships

I LOVE lemons. I don't know what has gotten into me lately but I just can't get enough Lemonade. Superstore used to have a store brand that was "old fashioned" and it was SOOOOO good. But of course, like all good things, it became near impossible to find. So it's replacement is MinuteMaid lemonade in the 2L carton. Yummy. And before anyone suggests making it myself, forget it. I don't love it THAT much.

I also love the smell of lemons. Not the fake lemon smell of some cleaners, but actual lemons, lemon juice, and lemon essential oils. Something so crisp and refreshing. Even pictures of lemons are particularly appealing right now.

Now, for the not so smooth segue into pirate ships. A good friend of mine was finally able to pop over for a visit last week and she brought some toys for Lily that her son has outgrown. One of them is a Duplo pirate ship. It's actually pretty neat. Has all these levels and different ways for things to fit together. Anyways, it also has a steering wheel. And Lily likes to put one of the little pirate guys near it and pretend he's driving the ship. Well, this wheel just fits on but not tightly so, the first time she gave it a spin, it came flying off and landed across the room. Once she saw that I was not upset (throwing toys is not allowed ya know) she looked at her little pirate guy and said:

"Why you drive like a crazy whacko?"

I almost died laughing (my preferred way to leave this earth by the way) 

NO, fibromylagia is NOT another name for depression

Fibromyalgia is a REAL disease (or, more accurately, a syndrome). It is recognized by the association of rheumatologists (or whatever they call themselves). It is NOT a manifestation of laziness, or depression, or caused by being fat and out of shape.

So, in that vein, it cannot be fixed by being more motivated, taking anti-depressants or resolving to be more "positive", and, while leading a healthy lifestyle will help, will not be cured by salad and frequent visits to the gym.

It varies in symptoms and severity from person to person. The one thing I have learned from being a member in a few online support groups is that people with fibromyalgia (yes, there are men too) are some of the most positive, motivated, and full of life people I have ever met.

Of course, depression can play a role. Especially if you have been told repeatedly by the esteemed medical community that your symptoms are "all in your head" when you know something is wrong. You watch your life slip away, piece by piece. You start to feel much older than your chronological age. You find that people, so called friends, start to back away because you just aren't who you used to be. Where once you were the one people turned to for help, to get things done, you find the tables reversed and spend more time accepting help (for the lucky ones) or simply sitting in your home unable to do the simple things most people take for granted and just wishing for help. So yeah, it can be downright depressing folks! 

But, it really is true that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Imagine having a bad flu. Your body aches. You are so fatigued you can't see straight. You aren't sleeping well because of your symptoms. All you want to do is curl up in a ball in your bed and wait it out. There is no going out for groceries, taking the kids to the park, or going out to play ball with Rover just for the heck of it. You put your life on hold and cater to your symptoms. You do only what is absolutely necessary to survive and let everything else wait until you feel better. Because you know you WILL feel better.

 A person who suffers from Fibromyalgia (or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which is also known as Myalgic Encephalomyelitis which I suffer from in conjunction with the Fibro) doesn't have the luxury of waiting to feel better. This is it folks. You make good use of the good days because you never know when you might get another. And you do more on your bad days than anyone you know who is down and out with a bad cold or flu because that is your reality. If you didn't live your life on the bad days, you wouldn't have much of a life at all.

And sure, to an outsider looking in, we must seem pretty boring and look like we have plenty of reason to be depressed or even wish we weren't alive. But there is always a silver lining. We have TIME. We have time to notice the beautiful flowers in the summer because we aren't rushing off to kickboxing class. We have time to really watch our kid(s) grow up because we aren't lost in a flurry of frenzied cleaning (yeah, cleaning past minimal standards is one of the first things to go, lol). We have time to reflect on what is important in life because we are not able to get caught up in the things that so many others do due to sheer lack of energy. And, at least for me, the gift of time to get to know God and learn about Him is one of the best gifts anyone could ever be given.

 

Forum evictions and unfriendly GloWorms

Well, I have turned a corner in my cyber-life. The forum I have been a member of since 2004 has seen fit to evict me from my cyber-home. I loved that place. It was instrumental in my conversion and the friendship, support, and sense of community was truly amazing. And it has been an absolute sanity-saver during this really stressful time of hubby being away. But, you can't keep a good poster down! Thanks to our friend Lori-Burbs, we now have a new home. And, thanks to Kage for linking us to a different, but hopefully better forum. And a big thanks to all of those other members who have helped spread the word!

Why did I get banned? My current theory is that one of the mods is off her meds. There really is no other rational explanation. She used the flimsy excuse that I was soliciting "medical advice" when I posted about a way I may try to adjust Lily's sleep schedule. No medical advice given or requested... but it earned me a 2 week suspension anyway. Then, my darling hubby found out and blew his top. He knows that forum was a crucial part of my social life and was upset that it was being taken from me over something so trivial. So he posted his thoughts. That earned him a suspension too. Well, it spiraled down from there.......

before I know it, I am outright banned with the explanation of "circumvention". He is then banned for having an "insecure account". So I can only guess that they thought I used his account to post my anger. So I get banned for something I didn't do and he gets banned for something I didn't do. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, does it?

And we are not the only victims of this senseless mess. Many good people are getting the ol' heave-ho. And for no good reason. I wonder if we will ever discover the truth?

Now, you may be wondering what on earth unfriendly glo-worms have to do with any of this. My darling Miss Lily had another night terror last night. When she came out of it I tried to comfort her enough to help her get back to sleep. As I was getting her all tucked back in, I asked what she wanted to snuggle with (she has more than one favorite) and she chose her little Glo-worm. As she is settling down she begins to cry and cry. When I asked her what was wrong this is the response I got (through teary eyes and the saddest expression):

"Glo-worm doesn't like me"

My poor mama-heart darn near broke. She chose her pink pillow instead and snuggled in for the night.

Testing 123

Wow, my very first BLOGGER Blog! I am more excited than I probably should be, but that's what happens when one doesn't have much of a real life, lol.