Sleep...what IS it?

I don't remember what getting a good night's sleep feels like. Seriously. Part of fibromyalgia is a sleep disorder so I have not had a refreshing sleep in many many years. Many more than I can count. And now add in 3 years of being a mom to a child with a "severe sleep disorder" and I am actually surprised I am still functioning.

But, am I really still functioning? Sure, in the most basic way at least. But so many things have suffered. Mostly my memory. It seems like with each night of poor sleep I lose another little part of my past. There are actually whole chunks of time missing now. And of course I can't remember small details to save my life. I gave up telling people that I had seen a good movie long time ago because they inevitably ask "what was it about?" and I can't tell them. I am only left with an impression...good or bad, but no detail.

I am scared that I will not remember Lily growing up. Already there is so much that remains with me only in pictures and blog posts, but is gone from my own memory. It makes me cry to think about it. I am only 32. I wish I could FEEL 32. I wish I could do the things other 32 year olds can do, moms or not. Not even for me, but for Lily. I hope she doesn't feel as cheated out of a mom as I feel she has been.