Funny

OK, so that last post hardly qualified for my "funny friday" post, I know. So here is something that always makes me laugh.

Ever see a kid's show called "Sid the Science Kid"? From that show (or maybe the related website) Lily learned to tell her very first joke.

Keep in mind that she tells the joke, punchline and all, in one big run on breath and then laughs ever before we do.

What did the apple say to the pear? You're silly, apples can't talk!

In the dark

Deliriously tired. In pain. Crying on a chair in the dark. Held hostage by a 3 year old's inability to sleep.

I get to bed before 11pm and actually fall asleep rather quickly. A rarity with all of the pain I've been in lately. About an hour and a half later, at around 12:45am I hear a cry. I wait. Sometimes she cries out in her sleep. If she needs me she makes it abundantly clear. "Mommy, mommy! Please come!!!!!". Ok, it's clear. I creak out of bed and head into her pitch black room. She seems to be ok. She's not crying or in pain, just awake. I give her a dose of melatonin (or minty powder as we call it) and ask her if she's ok and ready to go back to sleep. "Yes" is the answer I get. Oh thank goodness I think, as this is going well in comparison with some of our more recent night time upsets.

I tuck her in and then settle myself in the Lazy Boy recliner and cover myself with a pink fluffy blanket. I have been locked into this pattern of coming into her room and sitting on "that damn chair" while she falls asleep ever since hubby's return from his firefighter course. The entire 9 months he was away I never once got into bed with her or stayed in her room for any length of time when she had trouble falling or getting back to sleep. I knew what would happen if I gave in, even once. But hubby didn't. When he was finally home and was overwhelmed by his sleep deprived, cranky wife and more than a bit confused as to our routines and Lily's inflexibility (which had become much worse in his long absence), he caved. He got into bed with her when she was not able to sleep. And so started the cycle.......

So I finally got to a point where I could sit in "that damn chair" (which at that point was more like a little piece of leather heaven after contorting myself to sleep in her twin bed on the floor, surrounded by gates that I had to climb over to get out) while she fell back asleep. And I am still tied to that chair, every night at bedtime and any time she wakes at night. For the most part it is a good solution. Unless I have to sit there for more than thirty minutes I can bear it. She is comfortable with my presence and no longer is upset that I am not actually in bed with her.

So anyways, back to last night. After about fifteen minutes I think it is safe to get up and leave. I slowly tiptoe out of her room, cursing my cracking knee and clumsy attempt to close the door silently. But she does not stir. I breathe a sigh of relief. I crawl into bed and fall asleep. Fifteen minutes later a squeaky voice cries out "mommy, are you in the chair? Mommy, where are YOU?" Oh no, not another night like this. I drag myself out of bed for the second time and make my way into the cave that is her room. She needs total darkness to sleep and has a white noise CD on repeat. On good days it hypnotizes me with it's womb like atmosphere. On bad nights it feels like prison. Like last night. I again stay for about 15 minutes. I know this because I always bring the cordless phone with me. I didn't always. But there is nothing worse than being in pain, in the dark, AND not having a clue how much time is passing. So I always have the phone with me now. Sometimes I forget pants, but never that phone!

I get up to leave. So far so good. No little voice asking "what are you doing mommy?" as I lie and say "just stretching honey" and sink back into the chair and admit defeat. I again make it to the comfy softness of my bed. I again fall asleep quickly. This, in and of itself should have been a warning. I rarely fall asleep quickly. When I do, I am always woken soon after by something.... Lily crying out, hubby snoring, a random noise inside or outside of the house. Last night it was Lily for the third time. More insistent and upset in her "Mommy, SIT IN THE CHAIR! Mommy, COME BACK...COME BACK! So, I go. What else can I do? I have tried letting her cry, I have tried checking on her and then leaving, I have tried using hubby as a substitute. All of those ensure a sleepless remainder of the night. Going in at least offers some hope that another hour or two of sleep might follow.

This time I am at the end of my emotional rope. I am so tired. And in so much pain. My neck and back are screaming at me and hot fire is shooting down my legs from my hips. A migraine is starting. My hands are throbbing. But I sit. And sit. And sit. Fifteen minutes comes and goes. She is not yet asleep. Silent tears, born of pain and frustration, run down my face. I dare not make a sound. And I sit. A few times I get myself ready to leave, but merely thinking about leaving sends a remote signal to her brain (or at least that's how it seems in my sleep deprived state) and she does something to let me know she is not yet deep asleep. She might ask a question, or utter a soft cry, or merely breathe loudly. So I sit. IN. THAT. DAMN. CHAIR. I have come to hate that chair and the powerlessness I associate with it. This would be a good time to remember about how surrendering can bring peace. But I am too tired, too frustrated, and in too much pain to do more than cry.

Finally, at 3:15am I make my attempt at escape. SUCCESS! I am free! Free to crawl, once again, into my bed and allow my body the sleep it so desperately cries for. But I lie awake. Waiting. Waiting for that fourth call. That summons back to the chair. It never comes. Sometime after 4am my body falls into the sleep of the dead. I pay for that dearly when 6am comes and I hear Lily calling me. The entire side of my face and jaw are aching so hard that I wonder who or what could have hit me while I slept. As I stumble to her room I test my jaw to make sure it still works. It does, but it hurts too much to move. And so begins another day.

Funny Fridays? Sure, why not!

So stay tuned for tomorrows post. I will attempt to be funny. I hope I don't hurt myself...........

I love "movie-dreams"!

You know the kind I mean... the ones with a plot and main characters and if you wake up before they are finished you want to go back to sleep to find out what happens!

I had one last night. I don't remember much of it now but I do know I was able to get back into it twice after middle of the night wakings. I was a part of the action and my "co-star" was Wentworth Miller (mmmm...... one of the only actors that has the ability to make my knees weak). I remember bits and pieces, like a weird storm while in a posh hotel with a group of friends, running from someone or something and we ended up hiding (again, the whole group of us) in a crusty apartment building, and of course a little romance ;)

http://www.juventus.eoleszyce.pl/wentworth%20img/wentworth-miller.jpg

Nothing to be scared of?

The title originated out of something Lily used to say..... she was a fearless kid for the most part (too fearless actually, lol) but every once in awhile she would get scared of something (usually something totally benign) and would reassure herself (true to form, no comfort from mom and dad please!) by saying in a totally over-serious voice
"there's nothing to be scared of...."

It applies to my life as well since I tend to be a worrier and it does me good to be reminded that there really is nothing to be scared of, especially with God on my side ;)

Surrender

I think the word surrender causes some major issues for most people. What does it make you think of? Giving up. Giving in. Losing. Weakness....

But when used in the right way, surrendering can be a great act of strength. It takes a lot to be able to sacrifice for others. To sacrifice your goal in favor of another's. To sacrifice your very will for that of God's.

And surrendering does not always mean giving up or giving in. It often means giving up YOUR approach and opening yourself to other ways of achieving the same end ; giving up your way of doing something to try doing it someone else's way.

Surrendering can be scary. But it doesn't need to be. We just need to really think. Think about what we want to accomplish. Think of all the ways we could do that. So many of us get stuck in a narrow little box and have no idea how to get out. And we are kept prisoner in that box by social opinion and advice from friends and family. More often that not we are kept prisoner by our own egos.

In my life I have learned that surrender can be a beautiful thing. But that still doesn't make it any easier! Even though we are under the illusion that we have total control over our lives, we DON'T. Hear that? We don't have any control over how things turn out. We have influence, yes, but not control. We only have control over our own thoughts and ideas...that's it. So of course it's scary to even consider giving that up too. But it can bring a peace that had been elusive up until that moment of surrender.

I am going to go and think of all of the ways surrendering would help me in my life. Off the top of my head I know that my parenting and marriage could use a good dose. How about you?

I have thoughts too!

Writing used to be easy for me. It used to be something I enjoyed. It used to be something I could feel a bit proud of. Now? Not so much. It is a struggle. A struggle to find something to say. A struggle to find a way to say it. A struggle just to keep my mind on track and not allow it to wander off to wherever it is that minds go when we temporarily lose them.

But, I am practicing optimism this new year. I am a born realist who has been drifting towards the dark side of pessimism for some time now. So I am making a sincere effort to find hope where I didn't think there was any to be had, to see the good in situations that appear to be all bad, and generally just adjust my attitude. I am sure some of you reading this will be happy to hear that!

So, in the spirit of optimism, I believe that my mind is like a muscle. I have sadly allowed it to atrophy. I have given in to the sleep deprivation, constant struggles with stressful situations and events, and the laziness inherent in us all. NO MORE! I will work out my brain. I will teach it once again how to complete a sentence, think abstractly, and put together coherent thoughts in a way that will not only make sense, but be interesting again too! But please be patient with me, this could take some time. :)

For today I think I will set myself a small, achievable goal. I will write something at least once a week, here on this blog, that is structured and predictable. Maybe a top 5 list. Yeah, I like that.

Let's make it Mondays, since today is Monday. There is no time like the present after all. Off the top of my head.......

Top 5 reasons I love my computer:

Sure, we take it for granted now but, when you think about it, it truly is amazing. Just 10 years ago I did not know my way around a basic computer and was afraid of even turning our first PC on and off! Now I can take care of my banking, shop, research, and make friends all from the comfort of home.

1. Instant information.

If I have a question that needs an answer I turn to the almighty Google. Or, more currently, Wiki. My mom still likes to look things up in her dictionary. Yes, a real one made of paper and everything! But my sister and I are slowly helping her transition to the cyber-way. First step her banking, next step her library account! Ahhh, progress.

2. The ability to make friends.

I am sure that most everyone who owns a computer has made at least a friend or two online. You could take 'em or leave 'em. You surely wouldn't die without them. But for me, my computer IS my social life. Such is the life of a person who is mostly housebound due to illness.

3. Do the banking.

What a major innovation. Seriously! No more line ups. No more wondering if there is enough money in the account to cover an imminent purchase. No more making appointments and sitting in a stuffy office talking to a stuffy person any time you want to make a change to your credit card or loan account. And, most importantly, no more having to go out in the bitter cold of an Alberta winter just to pay the bill to make sure that the heat doesn't get shut off!

4. Shopping.

If we had the ability to go back in time 30 years and tell our mothers that one day they would be able to turn on a device that looks much like a tv set and buy anything they wanted from anywhere in the world and have it shipped right to their doors what do you think they would say? Right, we were nuts. Totally and completely certifiably insane. And it would have given our poor dads a coronary to know that the money they brought in could be spent without ever even seeing it!

5. It provides a great distraction and entertainment for adults and kids alike. And it is educational (providing you want it to be!). Lily's love of the computer has been my saving grace many a day. And now that we also have a laptop I am able to get online and distract myself when things get a little to intense around here.

Well, not the most interesting stuff in the world I have to admit, but I did manage to make complete sentences and stay on topic. Yay me!