I cannot believe I haven't posted since August!

I am short on time, and energy, and low on sleep right now so won't go into much. Just want to wish my friends and family a very Merry Christmas.... yes, we have TWELVE DAYS of Christmas, why don't we capitalize on that???????? And I hope that the New Year brings peace and joy to all.....

next post will be an update on little Miss Lily!

First impressions

I was just thinking about the image we present to others, especially for the first time. Often times it's not even an actual image, but more of a feeling. An impression. I guess that's why they're called first impressions, duh, lol. Why am I thinking about this? Mostly it stemmed from the fact that I finally have an appointment scheduled for a hair cut and color. I haven't done anything with my hair since the beginning of the year and it shows. It got me thinking about how others view me now as opposed to before I was a mom.

I wonder if now they think of me in terms of how tired and un-put-together I look? The shapeless hair streaked with grey, the bags under my eyes, the extra pounds in all the wrong places, lol. The ill fitting and out of style clothes? I never before viewed myself as "hot" but I at least felt confident...but now I am so far from confident that I don't even remember what it was like. My pre-mom days seemed to be an equal balance of good days and bad days. Days where I would have other women stop me while out and ask where I got my hair done or what color I used, or where they could find the awesome shirt I had on...and days where I hoped to run in and out of the grocery store without being seen by anyone I knew. Now it's all bad days. Hopefully, as of Saturday August 15th, I can tip the scales just a bit back in my favor. If there is a Patron Saint of hair stylists, could everyone please pray that the guy cutting my hair is on top of his game that day??????? A bad hair cut is way worse than no hair cut (as I found out this spring, lol)

And I have to give a big thanks to my new friend Becky. If it weren't for her my hair appointment would still just be another idea bouncing around in my head along with the other "got to get around to that" stuff that it cramming up my brain! But she took the reins, booked the appointments, and will get me there and back. Hopefully we will both walk out of the salon refreshed, feeling gorgeous, AND ready to get back to our kids, lol. If not, we could always just fill up her car with gas and keep on driving.......

Bathing suit woes

I bet you think this is about buying a bathing suit for ME, right? Nope. While shopping for bathing suits for grown women (unless you happen to be blessed with the body of a super model) is akin to pulling teeth without anesthesia, I have recently discovered that shopping for bathing suits for 3 year old girls is equally painful!

Last year Lily was still in diapers so we just put the cover on without an insert and she was good to go, no shirt required. But I did buy her one suit last year when I found it on a clearance rack.... of course, it didn't fit. I made the mistake of assuming that if she was wearing size 3T clothes that she would wear a 3T suit. NOT.

So, this year I went to the store armed with my debit card and a sale flyer and bought 4 suits in 2 different sizes and 4 different styles. We have tried 2 so far. Both the same size. One is "droopy" and the other makes Brazilian panties look modest, lol. I wonder what the other two will be like???????

The one purchase I am thrilled with though is one of those sun-protection t-shirt types. I thought they would be really difficult to get on and off but it is great! Also, I have discovered that buying her boys' swim trunks save a lot of headaches and hassles.

I think next time I am in the market for a suit for me (when you know where freezes over, lol) I will be checking out swim shorts for sure! No more elastic wedgies, bikini line shaving rash, and feeling of being in public in your undies for me!

Hope you are all having a great summer!

Sleep...what IS it?

I don't remember what getting a good night's sleep feels like. Seriously. Part of fibromyalgia is a sleep disorder so I have not had a refreshing sleep in many many years. Many more than I can count. And now add in 3 years of being a mom to a child with a "severe sleep disorder" and I am actually surprised I am still functioning.

But, am I really still functioning? Sure, in the most basic way at least. But so many things have suffered. Mostly my memory. It seems like with each night of poor sleep I lose another little part of my past. There are actually whole chunks of time missing now. And of course I can't remember small details to save my life. I gave up telling people that I had seen a good movie long time ago because they inevitably ask "what was it about?" and I can't tell them. I am only left with an impression...good or bad, but no detail.

I am scared that I will not remember Lily growing up. Already there is so much that remains with me only in pictures and blog posts, but is gone from my own memory. It makes me cry to think about it. I am only 32. I wish I could FEEL 32. I wish I could do the things other 32 year olds can do, moms or not. Not even for me, but for Lily. I hope she doesn't feel as cheated out of a mom as I feel she has been.

10 years together

Yesterday marked hubby's and mine 10th anniversary. When we got married, we did not plan a honeymoon. But, being young and stupid, we decided to take one with all of the wedding cash we got instead of paying down debts (but that's a whole 'nother story!). We really wanted to go to Hawaii but, on short notice, could not book a trip there (he was due to leave for Kosovo on a tour of duty 2 weeks after our wedding) so settled on Florida instead.

It was a great trip. I had never been on a plane before, had never been to a tropical beach before (but had been to the ocean on the West coast-BC- several times), we had decent hotels, travelled from one coast of Florida to the other, went to Universal Studios and Seaworld....but it wasn't Hawaii, lol.

So, in my head only, I had a Hawaiian vacation planned for our tenth anniversary. When we conceived Lily I did the easy (thankfully) math and knew that a 3 year old should be able to stay with my parents or my sis and her hubby while Jesse and I made our great escape. But I did not factor in one teensy part of the equation- L.I.F.E.

Silly me.

Who could have predicted that we would still be struggling with sleep deprivation and stress out the wazoo 3 years after the birth of our bundle of joy? Well, if anyone could have, it would have been me. I have a habit of planning for the worst and then enjoying when it doesn't happen. But this time I was completely blind sided.

So, yesterday we did not get to go out to dinner, didn't even order out. We did not buy each other gifts or have a night of wild abandon. And we certainly weren't anywhere near Hawaii! BUT, we are still together after 10 years and don't plan on that changing anytime soon. In this age of quickie divorces and multiple marriages, I am proud to say that we are sticking out the tough times, weathering the storms of life, and haven't killed each other....yet ;)

So, maybe we can plan a tropical vacation complete with lying on a beautiful beach sipping drinks with little umbrellas for our 20th (if I haven't killed him by then!)

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

I will be blogging again. I just need to figure out where to start as so much has happened since I posted last.... hubby's return home in June, Lily's 3rd birthday this month, his new job, blah blah blah.

As I type this I am awaiting hubby's return from Marble Slab with a big fat brownie and hot fudge treat...so all I can think about is chocolate, lol.

A Fork in the Road

And a spoon, and a knife...ah heck, someone dumped the whole darn cutlery drawer out in the middle of the road and now Jesse and I have to pick our way through the mess and try and determine the right path!

When Jesse first applied for a job transfer I never in a million years expected the results to be this chaotic and cause this much turmoil in our life.

And, as much as I am suffering, it is Lily who suffers the most and stands to lose the most if we make the wrong choices.

Dear Lord, please Bless our little family and help us to see Your Will clearly so we can choose to follow you with courage and determination. Grant us the Grace to get through these challenges and to see the good in all that You have provided for us.